My Plan to Get 100,000,000 Dollars (US)

Here is my application for a $100,000,000 grant. They want to divide it up between people who plan to make iPhone software, but I have a better idea:

I figure I'm a shoe in. If you want to compete (hopelessly) against me for the hunny-mil, the URL is http://www.kpcb.com/initiatives/ifund/index.html.

Welcome to the Book Synopsis Club

Much like Oprah, I wield an enormous power over about twenty million people. My blog is akin to a bright light, and my fans are like little bugs that can't resist my wattage. Which reminds me that when I run for President in 2016, my t-shirts are going to say "Mann 2016: Can't Resist THAT Wattage". Anyway, I've been noticing when I read novels that it takes a long time to finish. All that prose gets in the way of the meat. Flowery description is all good and well and fine if you're in college and trying to score points with that hot nerdy classmate who always has 'Leaves of Grass' sticking out of their backpack, but in real life, who has time for such things? Stephen King agrees with me, adjectives are for suckers. See:

I am a benevolent blog-host, and began to wonder how I could remedy this problem (I call it "too longedness") for the United States. Yeah, yeah, world shm-orld. Everyone knows the U.S. is the only country advanced enough to read, anyway. So, like I said, this issue needs to get resolved so the good people of the U.S. of A. can get back to important things, like making fun of Barack Obama's name, and fleshing out their fantasy baseball rosters.

Then, like I was Paul on the road to literary Damascus, it hit me. BAM! There are things shorter than books, that tell the same story! You simply synopsize the too-longedness into an easy to digest paragraph, and you have the equivalent of a literary Pop-Tart. It doesn't look like much sitting there in its shiny silver wrapper, but come breakfast time it gets the job done.

Thus, fellow sufferers of BookADHD, I have created the "Book Synopsis Club". Monthly we will choose (and when I say 'we', I mean 'truly and solely only myself') a different book synopsis to read and discuss. We can achieve intellectual snobbery in mere minutes! It'll be like 'Good Will Hunting', and we're all little Matt Damons! How you like them apples?

Without further ado, month one's book synopsis is for 'Don Quixote' by Cervantes. You can find it under 'Plot Summary' on the following link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_quixote

Now that I have cured the too-longedness that ailed you, you are ready to enjoy sitting at a Starbucks, sipping a Grande Mocha Choca Latta, comparing 'Quixote's disillusionment' with 'the cultural climate of corporate America'. Take THAT, corporate America!

Blogs of the World

If you've never noticed in on Blogspot, there's a button up on the top left of the page that says "Next Blog". If you hit that, it takes you to a random blog on Blogspot. I found a few gems I thought I would share with you. And when I say "gem", I mean "I can't believe people wasted time making this blog".

Without further ado:

The Dog Blog
http://caravanxavier.blogspot.com/
This one is in another language, so I'm not sure if its the dog blogging, or the owner. I like to think that it's the dog, personally.

The Venezualan Twilight Blog
http://twilight-fans-venezuela.blogspot.com/
I was so excited when I found this one. It showed me that women are crazy about vampires that aren't vampires across the entire world. I think there's a homemade Twilight fan video on there somewhere.

The Really Old Instruction Manual Blog
http://techlitwug.blogspot.com/
This blog highlights "Wind up gramophone literature". Do I need say anything more?

The Weird Penguin Game Blog
http://cppalscheats.blogspot.com/
I have no idea what a Club Penguin Pal is, or why they need hockey helmets...

The Post-It Note Art Blog
http://thepostitproject.blogspot.com/
This one isn't really bad. I mean, I can appreciate some good Post-It Note art as much as the next guy. But at this point, isn't it a bit contrived? I mean, now when your pen touches that bright yellow paper, you know it's going on your blog. What happened to Post-It Note art for the sake of creating Post-It Note art. Maybe it's my disillusion with the genre?

The Animals That Should Eat Each Other But Instead Hang Out Blog
http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/
I'll let this blog speak for itself: "touching photos of unusual animal friendships".

The "Coach" Blog. Yep, Like the TV Show
http://coachfox.blogspot.com/
I don't ever remember Coach being very good. And even if I did, I wouldn't have blogged about it for A YEAR AND A HALF. What!?

Man, I'm going to lose so many readers to these other blogs. Then my traffic will plummet from 3 readers to 1*, upon which my ad revenue will drop. I'll be forced to cancel my blog, and apply for a job working on "Strange Fruit and Vegetable Combinations: The Blog".

* Statistics include myself.

I'm a Zimbabwean Millionaire

I'm so fabulously wealthy that I barely have time to post on my blog, but I thought that I would grace the lowly internet with my (very rich) presence. How'd I get to be so fabulous? Well, once I heard that one American dollar was worth twenty-five MILLION (don't you LOVE how that word rolls off the tongue? Mill-i-on, mmmmillion) Zimbabwe dollars, I cashed in. You have to be fierce, and move swiftly to make a buck, or so I've heard, since I'm so unbelievably wealthy now I don't worry myself with things like making bucks. Well, I took a mint ten dollar bill down to the local exchange to get my trove of Zimbabwean treasure. Here's the good fellow carrying my Zimbabwe-bucks down to me:




You poor saps are probably at work today, but I don't work anymore since I'm absolutely loaded! To celebrate I bought myself a Big Gulp. It only cost me seventy-five million Zimbabwe dollars! But when you're this loaded, who cares?

How I Became So Cool

People see me and are like, man, that guy is COOL. He's got the New Spring hardcover sitting on the front seat of his car, his loft is full of suh-weet action figures and comic books, heck, he even started his own comic. How is it that he got to be so cool? And where'd all of his hair go? I get this all the time, so I figured I'd make it easy by saving this here post for the masses. That way when people start fawning over me, I can be like, BAM, go to my blog, all of your questions are answered there, at the font of eternal knowledge (disclaimer: this is not REALLY the font of eternal knowledge).

When I was in seventh grade many kids in my school began reading Dragonlance. It had mysterious maps and dragons on the cover. I wanted to read it, but first I had to get a copy. I repeatedly went down to the school library, but the book was ALWAYS checked out. I couldn't find it. It probably had a waiting list. I tried to track kids down to have them check it in so I could pick it up. Nothing worked. How I eventually got a copy is hazy. I must have picked it up at the library some time, because I was like 11, I didn't have any other resources. The point is I got it, took it home and got in trouble. My dad freaked. Dragonlance! Are you kidding? Dungeons and Dragons are serious business! I knew a kid who knew a kid who knew a guy that killed himself when his DM went for three sessions without saying "roll initiative". We couldn't have that kind of evil in the house. So I had to take the book back. I think I cried. No, really.

But then the formative event in my nerd-life happened. My dad was like, hey, stop crying, I can get you something better. Better? Yeah, better. So we drove down to Bookstar (the pre-cursor to B&N) and he took me to the back left corner of the store and found The Lord of the Rings. I still remember this Bookstar store. The fantasy books were all crammed in the back, next to the magazine racks, it was great. So I had three new books (50th anniversary editions, I think), but I still wasn't convinced. I mean, I don't even SEE a dragon on the covers here. Who's this old guy with the uber long beard? What the crap is a hobbit?

But I got hooked. I loved these books fiercely. I still remember being curled up in the hallway (that's where I read) and heading to Weathertop, and then on to Rivendell. This really changed my life. From then on I was making fantastical maps, and strange names. I was creating runes, and magic. It was wonderful.

Over the years my tastes have broadened, but I still owe everything to Tolkien. I mean, that was a cool guy. I can't think of anyone as hardcore as he was about his world. But he started it for me, by way of Dragonlance. It's crazy to think a little book from seventh grade could propel me to this life. Nearly 100% of my hobby time is spent in ways that reflect my love of fantasy. It's a great genre: fantastical, magical, wonderful, important. I couldn't be happier about it, honestly.