My Plan to Get 100,000,000 Dollars (US)

Here is my application for a $100,000,000 grant. They want to divide it up between people who plan to make iPhone software, but I have a better idea:

I figure I'm a shoe in. If you want to compete (hopelessly) against me for the hunny-mil, the URL is http://www.kpcb.com/initiatives/ifund/index.html.

Welcome to the Book Synopsis Club

Much like Oprah, I wield an enormous power over about twenty million people. My blog is akin to a bright light, and my fans are like little bugs that can't resist my wattage. Which reminds me that when I run for President in 2016, my t-shirts are going to say "Mann 2016: Can't Resist THAT Wattage". Anyway, I've been noticing when I read novels that it takes a long time to finish. All that prose gets in the way of the meat. Flowery description is all good and well and fine if you're in college and trying to score points with that hot nerdy classmate who always has 'Leaves of Grass' sticking out of their backpack, but in real life, who has time for such things? Stephen King agrees with me, adjectives are for suckers. See:

I am a benevolent blog-host, and began to wonder how I could remedy this problem (I call it "too longedness") for the United States. Yeah, yeah, world shm-orld. Everyone knows the U.S. is the only country advanced enough to read, anyway. So, like I said, this issue needs to get resolved so the good people of the U.S. of A. can get back to important things, like making fun of Barack Obama's name, and fleshing out their fantasy baseball rosters.

Then, like I was Paul on the road to literary Damascus, it hit me. BAM! There are things shorter than books, that tell the same story! You simply synopsize the too-longedness into an easy to digest paragraph, and you have the equivalent of a literary Pop-Tart. It doesn't look like much sitting there in its shiny silver wrapper, but come breakfast time it gets the job done.

Thus, fellow sufferers of BookADHD, I have created the "Book Synopsis Club". Monthly we will choose (and when I say 'we', I mean 'truly and solely only myself') a different book synopsis to read and discuss. We can achieve intellectual snobbery in mere minutes! It'll be like 'Good Will Hunting', and we're all little Matt Damons! How you like them apples?

Without further ado, month one's book synopsis is for 'Don Quixote' by Cervantes. You can find it under 'Plot Summary' on the following link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_quixote

Now that I have cured the too-longedness that ailed you, you are ready to enjoy sitting at a Starbucks, sipping a Grande Mocha Choca Latta, comparing 'Quixote's disillusionment' with 'the cultural climate of corporate America'. Take THAT, corporate America!

Blogs of the World

If you've never noticed in on Blogspot, there's a button up on the top left of the page that says "Next Blog". If you hit that, it takes you to a random blog on Blogspot. I found a few gems I thought I would share with you. And when I say "gem", I mean "I can't believe people wasted time making this blog".

Without further ado:

The Dog Blog
http://caravanxavier.blogspot.com/
This one is in another language, so I'm not sure if its the dog blogging, or the owner. I like to think that it's the dog, personally.

The Venezualan Twilight Blog
http://twilight-fans-venezuela.blogspot.com/
I was so excited when I found this one. It showed me that women are crazy about vampires that aren't vampires across the entire world. I think there's a homemade Twilight fan video on there somewhere.

The Really Old Instruction Manual Blog
http://techlitwug.blogspot.com/
This blog highlights "Wind up gramophone literature". Do I need say anything more?

The Weird Penguin Game Blog
http://cppalscheats.blogspot.com/
I have no idea what a Club Penguin Pal is, or why they need hockey helmets...

The Post-It Note Art Blog
http://thepostitproject.blogspot.com/
This one isn't really bad. I mean, I can appreciate some good Post-It Note art as much as the next guy. But at this point, isn't it a bit contrived? I mean, now when your pen touches that bright yellow paper, you know it's going on your blog. What happened to Post-It Note art for the sake of creating Post-It Note art. Maybe it's my disillusion with the genre?

The Animals That Should Eat Each Other But Instead Hang Out Blog
http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/
I'll let this blog speak for itself: "touching photos of unusual animal friendships".

The "Coach" Blog. Yep, Like the TV Show
http://coachfox.blogspot.com/
I don't ever remember Coach being very good. And even if I did, I wouldn't have blogged about it for A YEAR AND A HALF. What!?

Man, I'm going to lose so many readers to these other blogs. Then my traffic will plummet from 3 readers to 1*, upon which my ad revenue will drop. I'll be forced to cancel my blog, and apply for a job working on "Strange Fruit and Vegetable Combinations: The Blog".

* Statistics include myself.

I'm a Zimbabwean Millionaire

I'm so fabulously wealthy that I barely have time to post on my blog, but I thought that I would grace the lowly internet with my (very rich) presence. How'd I get to be so fabulous? Well, once I heard that one American dollar was worth twenty-five MILLION (don't you LOVE how that word rolls off the tongue? Mill-i-on, mmmmillion) Zimbabwe dollars, I cashed in. You have to be fierce, and move swiftly to make a buck, or so I've heard, since I'm so unbelievably wealthy now I don't worry myself with things like making bucks. Well, I took a mint ten dollar bill down to the local exchange to get my trove of Zimbabwean treasure. Here's the good fellow carrying my Zimbabwe-bucks down to me:




You poor saps are probably at work today, but I don't work anymore since I'm absolutely loaded! To celebrate I bought myself a Big Gulp. It only cost me seventy-five million Zimbabwe dollars! But when you're this loaded, who cares?

How I Became So Cool

People see me and are like, man, that guy is COOL. He's got the New Spring hardcover sitting on the front seat of his car, his loft is full of suh-weet action figures and comic books, heck, he even started his own comic. How is it that he got to be so cool? And where'd all of his hair go? I get this all the time, so I figured I'd make it easy by saving this here post for the masses. That way when people start fawning over me, I can be like, BAM, go to my blog, all of your questions are answered there, at the font of eternal knowledge (disclaimer: this is not REALLY the font of eternal knowledge).

When I was in seventh grade many kids in my school began reading Dragonlance. It had mysterious maps and dragons on the cover. I wanted to read it, but first I had to get a copy. I repeatedly went down to the school library, but the book was ALWAYS checked out. I couldn't find it. It probably had a waiting list. I tried to track kids down to have them check it in so I could pick it up. Nothing worked. How I eventually got a copy is hazy. I must have picked it up at the library some time, because I was like 11, I didn't have any other resources. The point is I got it, took it home and got in trouble. My dad freaked. Dragonlance! Are you kidding? Dungeons and Dragons are serious business! I knew a kid who knew a kid who knew a guy that killed himself when his DM went for three sessions without saying "roll initiative". We couldn't have that kind of evil in the house. So I had to take the book back. I think I cried. No, really.

But then the formative event in my nerd-life happened. My dad was like, hey, stop crying, I can get you something better. Better? Yeah, better. So we drove down to Bookstar (the pre-cursor to B&N) and he took me to the back left corner of the store and found The Lord of the Rings. I still remember this Bookstar store. The fantasy books were all crammed in the back, next to the magazine racks, it was great. So I had three new books (50th anniversary editions, I think), but I still wasn't convinced. I mean, I don't even SEE a dragon on the covers here. Who's this old guy with the uber long beard? What the crap is a hobbit?

But I got hooked. I loved these books fiercely. I still remember being curled up in the hallway (that's where I read) and heading to Weathertop, and then on to Rivendell. This really changed my life. From then on I was making fantastical maps, and strange names. I was creating runes, and magic. It was wonderful.

Over the years my tastes have broadened, but I still owe everything to Tolkien. I mean, that was a cool guy. I can't think of anyone as hardcore as he was about his world. But he started it for me, by way of Dragonlance. It's crazy to think a little book from seventh grade could propel me to this life. Nearly 100% of my hobby time is spent in ways that reflect my love of fantasy. It's a great genre: fantastical, magical, wonderful, important. I couldn't be happier about it, honestly.

HOA Lotta Fun

I was about 2 months late taking my Christmas lights down, as the HOA likes to remind me. Last night I decided, you know what, the HOA is right. It's NOT Christmas time anymore. So I braved the forty foot ladder of doom to get near the ceiling line of my house, which I suspect is very near the edge of the Earth's atmosphere, and started clipping the little zip ties off to release the lights. At first I couldn't see anything, because it was dark, and I couldn't clip the zip ties, since they were conveniently "dark" colored. So I got down from the ladder, and turned the lights on. Voila, I can now see the ties. Chelsea drives up, and is delighted to have the Christmas lights at full glow on February 26th, as I'm sure my neighbors were. I thought she was going to start making hot chocolate, and baking gingerbread.

Alas, the top lights are now down. I am getting the low ones off tonight. HOA, if you are reading this, please forward my "Best Christmas Lights" prize check to my address of record. Sure, I left them up for a month after the "Holiday Decoration Takedown Order: We're Serious" went into affect, but that's because they were so freaking high up there. I mean, I didn't see any of the other neighborhood pansies braving death and mutilation, overcoming their animalistic (and quite reasonable) fear of heights, to serve a Christmas-time feast of lights for kin and stranger. I gave the people what they wanted, watt-loaded illumeals, night after night after night. And for that, I applaude myself. Thank you very much, me.

Word of the Day: Bellicose

Watch out world, I own the Merriam-Webster Vocabulary Builder. Not only will I soon be ready for tests of SAT-esque difficulty, my writing will now become littered with words of the tri-syllabic kind. I apologize to your brains, pre-migraine.

Bellicose - adjective

warlike, eager to fight, hostile, quarrelsome

My examples:

The bellicose nation warred often with its neighbors.

"Your bellicoseness will see you dead. I fear sooner, rather than later," said Shawn.

The raider's bellicosity was feared throughout the unified lands.

My Reading List

I read a lot, but unfortunately, I don't finish that many books. I think I have A.D.D., but that's not the point. Next to my bed, in drawers, or sitting on my nightstand, are probably 8 or 9 half read books. Some books I get into deeper than others, but it's been rare that I actually finish one. It's been that way for quite some time, now. But, to help myself write better, I want to read more. I try and read every night now, at least a chapter. That's pretty low, compared to how much I want to read, but it will do, for now. So when I say that I read a lot, a lot of it is news, blogs, Wikipedia, etc. Here are some stats for you:

Last Few Books I Finished:
Amulet (graphic novel)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows
The DaVinci Code

This gives you some perspective on my "finishing" habits. I read pop-culture novels at a breakneck speed, so that I can talk about them with everyone else.

Books Next to My Bed:
Eye of the World (currently being read)
A Game of Thrones (I read the prologue like once a week)
Mistborn (I really want to finish this)
The Historian (like halfway)
Banewreaker (I've been working on this for years)

Books Next in Line to be Next to My Bed:
(these sit on the shelf in my bedroom, yearning for their turn on my nightstand)
The Stand
Elantris
Some book about elves, by a woman. I can't remember their names...
The Children of Hurin

Books I Bought, But Now Sit in Boxes:
Middlemarch
Don Quixote (Don Quixote was a steel driving man...)

Actual Reading Goals:
I want to finish Eye of the World, then Mistborn. Then I really, really would like to read Game of Thrones, all the way through. I mean, there's midgets to be had there, right?

This next section has nothing to do with books:

I was bummed Ellen Page didn't win for best actress. I mean, I knew it was a long shot, and I knew that Diablo Cody would win for screenplay, but Ellen Page's Juno was fantastic. I mean, the best actress award is usually "Hey, middle aged actress who's put in a good career" (Ladies in movies I don't watch) or "Hey, popular actress who finally does something serious" (Julia Roberts, Halle Barry, Reese Witherspoon). I know I'm partial here, because Juno was the only movie I saw that had an actress nominated, but it's hard for me to imagine someone performed their character better.

On the same note, I'm still angry Amelie didn't win ANYTHING in 2001. How does that happen?

In conclusion, I need to read more, Ellen Page is hawt, and Amelie was fantastic. There.

Gangliness

I can't tell if "gangliness" is a word or not. Gangly is. Gangling is. What if I want to describe the "gangly-ness" of a person? How to do so? I figure that I just use the word anyway, even if I can't find it on Dictionary.com. I have two things open when I write: Dictionary.com, and Wikipedia. My biggest horror would be to spell something wrong. Honestly, I'd rather use a word incorrectly, but that's another reason I have that site open, definitions. Then Wikipedia, because sometimes I can't remember all of the proper names for parts of a sword. Quillons, anyone?

Today I was reading Penny Arcade (because that's like the first thing I do when it's Wednesday), and I have to believe they were talking about "Twilight" in their comic. It's this vampire book, where the vampires aren't vampire-esque at all. Instead, they are more like Gucci models, or whatever. They can go out in the sun, I hear. And they probably eat garlic, likely at a trendy-Seattle restaurant. These books, if you haven't seen their black covers, adorned with flowers or whatever, loom largely in full racks at your local bookstore. I would have to say that 90% of the women I know have read these things, so I'm just noting the phenomenon that likely has the books sitting in your wife's car, as I'm typing this. Beware, the next books they take up will be full of hairless werewolves who are dangerously-beautiful, fighting off their primal instincts to finally have a real relationship with their last intended victim. We'll call her Denise, and she can be gorgeous too.

Stardust, the book, was written by Neil Gaiman. Who knew? Well, probably lots of people. This is news to me, even though I saw the movie like 6 months ago. I'm pop-culturally retarded, so my bad.

Eye of the World: Early Chapters

Spoiler alert, again!

How far along am I? Rand has just gotten back to Emond's Field after the Trolloc attack on his farm house.

The first thing I remember thinking when I read EotW the first time, was how much the beginning was like The Fellowship of the Ring, and the flight of Frodo and the other hobbits to Bree, and then Rivendell. I got that feeling again as I was reading the beginning chapters. I have since read that Jordan purposefully created the Two Rivers to be similar to the Shire. What he wanted to do was begin like Tolkien, then see where he could go with it.

All of this is perfectly fine with me, I imagine there aren't many fantasy stories that don't borrow ideas from myth, and Tolkien might as well be myth to a lot of us. He was dead before I was born, even. Jordan borrowed many elements of his stories to use as skeletons for his characters. Rand as Tyr, Mat as Odin, and Perrin as Thor/Perun, etc. Many of the Forsaken are named similarly to demons from various traditions. Jordan could then flesh these characters out creating something new, from a framework that has existed for a long, long time. When reading, we might deep down feel a sense of grandeur at these characters, because some elements that make them up are ancient, or just as good as ancient. Sometimes we know where we've seen these parts before (A Short Cut to Mushrooms, from FotR) and sometimes it lies on the edge of remembrance, just out of reach (do I really remember Tyr from Norse mythology?).

The point of all of this is that I see the value in borrowing from other mythos while creating a new one. Fantasy is a giant web of myths, always being spun out from the center by new creators.

Fun With Amazon

Michael sent me the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Reader-Book-Holder-Paper/dp/B000EX3N5C/ref=sr_1_44?ie=UTF8&s=automotive&qid=1202867185&sr=8-44

Make sure you read the Customer Reviews. I couldn't stop laughing.

Amazon reminded me of the next gadget I want, that I don't really need. It's called the Amazon Kindle, and really it's just a fancy schmancy eBook reader. It downloads your content wirelessly when you get it from Amazon. The cool thing is that you can subscribe to newspapers and magazines, and when a new issue is released, it's automatically transmitted to your Kindle. Bam, wake up and have your New York Times already on your eReader. Amazing!

Of course, this is a first generation Kindle, so it's likely larger than it needs to be, and more costly. Still, it looks promising.

Ni Hao!

So, one of our WoW accounts got hacked today. We're pretty sure a keylogger was involved, but we aren't positive about the specifics. We do know that all of the stuff on the account was sold or deleted, and the guild bank was emptied. We're still waiting on GM replies to see how much they can restore. What strikes me as odd is the fact that the thieves DELETE items that they cannot sell. What's the purpose in that? They should know they aren't going to have the accounts long, that the user will complain to Blizzard, etc. and will soon recover it. So do they do it to be jerks?

It's absurd...

Terry Goodkind is a Jerk

My favorite Goodkind quote:

"What I have done with my work has irrevocably changed the face of fantasy. In so doing I've raised the standards. I have not only injected thought into a tired empty genre, but, more importantly, I've transcended it showing what more it can be-and in so doing spread my readership to completely new groups who don’t like and wont ready typical fantasy. Agents and editors are screaming for more books like mine."

This is old stuff, but I've just read it for the first time. It looks like he used to write "normal" fantasy, read "Anthem" by Ayn Rand, and now writes genre-transcending super lit. He's the new James Joyce, and Wizard's First Rule is Ulysses!

What I don't like is that he is obviously put off by the stigma of being a fantasy writer. Then, instead of aiding in the solution by standing up for his work and his genre, he adds to the problem by demonizing fantasy as thoughtless pulp, "tired" and "empty". You'd think he'd notice he was riding a wagon when he invented the wheel.

Get Free (e)Books!

Tor is having an awesome promotion to get people to sign up for their mailing list, and to promote their upcoming website redesign. If you go and put your name and email address in, they will send you a free ebook a week for a few weeks. And these aren't crappy books, either. Week one is "Mistborn" by Brandon Sanderson, the guy that is going to write the last Wheel of Time book. Week two is "Old Man's War" by John Scalzi, a highly acclaimed sci-fi author. I bought Mistborn, and am about 15% through, and I like it so far. I read a different book Scalzi wrote (Agent to the Stars), and it was fantastic. So if you like free (e)books, go sign up.

Eye of the World: Prologue

So I'm trying to read more frequently, in a quest to write better, and I figured I'd start with a classic of the fantasy genre: The Eye of the World, by Robert Jordan. I've probably read this book four or five times already, but it's been a couple of years since the last time. When I read it this time, it will be with an eye toward the techniques of actual writing.

I imagine that if you are reading this blog, you've probably already read this book, but I'm putting a spoiler warning right here. You have been warned.

I remember the first time I read the book, the prologue confused me. It's set long before the events of the main storyline, and centers on a madman. Lews Therin has just slaughtered his family and friends, during the grips of insanity, and wanders around some sort of destroyed castle or whatnot. Then Ishamael comes, and delivers a moment of clarity to Lews Therin, so that Lews Therin will know what he has done in his insanity. This is all explained later in the series, but initially I remember that I really had no idea what was going on.

I think the prologue was fantastic, this time around. Lews Therin is clearly insane, and I enjoyed the dialogue Jordan uses to get this across. He keeps calling for his wife, who is lying dead in front of him. Even better, when Ishamael shows up, Lews Therin is worried that his wife will be cross if she cannot entertain the guest, who happens to be the most dangerous of the evil Forsaken, come to destroy him.

When Lews Therin is granted sanity, and teleports off to blow himself up, we are given our first glances at the magic system that is central to the Wheel of Time. This is the best thing about the entire series (the magic, the insanity, Saidar and Saidin), and I wish Jordan had concentrated more on it in later books, and less on travelling circuses and nude flights through the dream world.

As far as writing goes, I really enjoy Jordan's style. I think he is quite masterful with his vocabulary, although he is sometimes droning when it comes to description. I think some people probably like that, though. I also noticed that he names everything. Anyone who comes on the stage, and even some characters who are only seen in passing, are given names. I find this to be distracting, often, but it does give his world a depth. I'm just not sure if it's one small reason I always find myself drowned when it comes to later books.